I just made a bunch of calls to various people who expect to be paid for keeping my sorry ass alive after my visit to St. Luke’s Hospital. A daunting task, but it had to be done. This is my spiel:

Hi. My name is Timothy Lambert and I received my first bill in the mail. I don’t have an income right now, so I’m hoping to arrange a payment plan and defer my first payment, please. I already feel small and pathetic, not to mention slightly nauseated by this whole experience, so please accept my measily ten dollars a month, okay?

I’m not above offering sexual favors either. I would’ve offered, but women kept answering the phone. Why don’t men work in medical billing departments? Everyone I spoke with sounded very sympathetic and kind, and only slightly patronizing.

Now I need to go write about ten novels and sell them. NOW NOW NOW!

About timothyjlambert

Timothy J. Lambert is allegedly a writer.
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26 Responses to Emergency!

  1. I’m willing to auction your paintings. Not the ones you did for ME, of course, but the others.

    Any buyers?

  2. scottynola says:

    only seven days left in nanowrimo.

    I’d buy a painting.

  3. rio3001 says:

    sell your story to the tabloids.

    cher’s son faces medical emergency. offers sexual favors to pay bill.

    cold hearted millionaire mom never offers help, too busy making guest appearances on ‘will and grace.’

  4. Anonymous says:

    Guess what? In Canada, we don’t get bills for going to the hospital.

    And also, if you were my husband, you could obtain free medical advice/nursing services from me.

  5. smoness says:

    One of my Hershey reps does some painting on the side and sells his stuff on ebay. He says his paintings do pretty well there…you might want to look into that.

  6. treebreeze says:

    I am afraid it’s time to dust off those go go boots and tassles and hit the strip club circuit again. There is no shame in making an honest living.

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