I just made a bunch of calls to various people who expect to be paid for keeping my sorry ass alive after my visit to St. Luke’s Hospital. A daunting task, but it had to be done. This is my spiel:
Hi. My name is Timothy Lambert and I received my first bill in the mail. I don’t have an income right now, so I’m hoping to arrange a payment plan and defer my first payment, please. I already feel small and pathetic, not to mention slightly nauseated by this whole experience, so please accept my measily ten dollars a month, okay?
I’m not above offering sexual favors either. I would’ve offered, but women kept answering the phone. Why don’t men work in medical billing departments? Everyone I spoke with sounded very sympathetic and kind, and only slightly patronizing.
Now I need to go write about ten novels and sell them. NOW NOW NOW!