down and out in houston texas

Some of you may have already heard that I went on a field trip to a local hospital this weekend. Although everyone I encountered was helpful and kind, I don’t recommend it.

The fun started on Saturday, when I was feeling blah, and decided to have some soup and a bagel. Which seemed fine. It stayed down and in, and was generally satisfying. But around 2 AM I knew something was wrong, and decided a bowl next to the bed might be a good plan. Smart choice. Within a half hour I had moved downstairs to the couch, closer to the bathroom, since I was hurling every half hour, among other…uh…things. Becky went to Walgreen’s for over the counter meds, which was wonderful of her, but they wouldn’t stay down. Around 6 AM she took me to the emergency room because I was quite dehydrated and loopy. I never know the day it is anyway, but the fact that they had to tell me what month it is kind of says a lot about my state of mind at that moment.

They wanted to do a CAT scan of my midsection, because I had stomach pains and they wanted to rule out a bad appendix and/or gall bladder. Which meant I had to force down cups upon cups of that vile contrast stuff. I promptly vomited it up right before my scan was scheduled, giving new meaning to the term “yawning in technicolor.” Of course that meant the contrast stuff had to be injected via “the other end,” which really wasn’t as horrible as they made it sound. Straight people are so touchy about the butt.

After that I was taken to the hospital by ambulance. I was installed in a room on the 21st floor. If I was nauseated before, I was then. I hate high buildings and elevators. Once in my room, though, all I did was sleep. However, a Fellini-esque cast of thousands kept waking me up every so often to take my vitals and poke around my stomach. A few of them were cute men, so I didn’t mind so much. In fact, one of my doctors was quite hot. I kept hearing Rhonda and Lindsey in my head saying, “A doctah you say?”

I felt infinitely better today, so they said I could go home if I kept my lunch and dinner down. Lunch was a clear liquid delight; broth, Jell-O, popsicle, apple juice. I ate everything but the apple juice, because apple juice and I have never been friends. It gives me headaches. Several movies and several naps later, I had dinner; chicken, rice, the most disgusting broccolli you’ve ever seen, a tiny salad and an equally tiny cherry pie, which immediately had me singing “Cherry Pie” by Warrant in my head. Yes, I was that stir crazy. I ate most of it and kept it down, and in, so they let my people (inside my head) go free. Becky picked me up and now I’ve been surrounded by dogs who can’t stop sniffing me. And Becky. =)

I’m still tired and a tad bit loopy, but I do feel a lot better. I’m sure as soon as the bills come, I’ll be hurling again in no time.

About timothyjlambert

Timothy J. Lambert is allegedly a writer.
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34 Responses to down and out in houston texas

  1. varsitynj says:

    Wow, so any insight into what might be wrong ? And aren’t the emergency room and the hospital in the same place

  2. rhondarubin says:

    Does this mean the golden liver has been replaced by the golden stomach? The platinum flu? Whatever the diagnosis, I’m glad you’re home and feeling better.

  3. oaktaurus says:

    Cann’t help but notice that you’re at your desk, id braclet still on, and in front of the puter … should we all write letters to your boss requesting sick days on your behalf?
    Hope you feel better soon – glad to read that you’re home :D

  4. Anonymous says:

    Did they start you on antibiotics? Steroids?

    Say the word, and I’m flying down to be your private duty nurse. I can change your bed, shave you and give you a bath and you never have to leave your bed.


  5. brentsbrain says:

    Oh, man! Glad you’re better at least.

  6. _jandy_ says:


    and ugh.

    glad you’re home now tho!

  7. conbrandt says:

    Yeiiiikes! You bring new meaning the phrase “suffering artist”.

    I am eternally glad that you are ok. It (that hideous bug) is particularily nasty. I had it when I was 3 and it nearly killed me, so you have my most heartfelt sympathy. Anytime I get flu now…it’s almost always gastric.

    Consomme is good also. Chicken or beef. Stay off dairy or you may develop an intolerance.

    *major hugs*

  8. Oh dear.

    Hope you feel better!

  9. gaysingleton says:

    Sorry you were sick. That’s been a pretty common thing around here. Hope you’re feeling better, though. : )

  10. treebreeze says:

    Sweet Jesus Redux!!!

    I skip out on LJ for one week and it comes to this? Good god…let River have his glory. Hogging his spot light is so beneath you!

    You already have your niche as the “author down the street who hoses himself off in the front lawn”, there is no need to jump on River’s band wagon as Emergency Room Boy!

    (Sorry to hear you were so sick. Hugs, smiles and positive thoughts from my wee autumn colored valley)

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