i remember california

I was concentrating on driving in rush hour traffic yesterday and doing my best to get Hanley to her gymnastics class on time when she piped up from her car seat and said, “Uncle Tim, remember when I was a baby and I chewed on my crib?”

I was busy avoiding a Mercedes changing lanes almost on top of me at that moment and not getting rear-ended by the SUV behind me, so I said, “What?” which was code for Are you shitting me, Hanley? My brain can’t handle all this right now, but what can I do for you? But Hanley was without her secret decoder ring, so she continued, “Do you remember when I was a baby and I chewed on my crib, and mommy and I laughed about it?”

The Mercedes had taken its rightful place in the I’ll-Drive-Wherever-I-Damn-Well-Please lane and the SUV was finally half a car length behind me, so my brain had room to function and remembered what she was talking about. I laughed and said, “You sound like you’re 39 and looking back on your life. Are you having a mid-life crisis?”

“No, but, remember when I was a little baby and had no hair?”

“I do remember that. It took a long time for you to grow hair.”

“Yeah! But now it’s long and beautiful.”

“Like a very modest princess’s hair.”


“Yes,” I corrected.

“Yes,” she repeated, and then added, “yes, ma’am.”

About timothyjlambert

Timothy J. Lambert is allegedly a writer.
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5 Responses to i remember california

  1. Michael says:

    Do you honestly think that story telling about a small child with “are you shitting me” statements are entertaining, educational or remotely considered a literary tallent? Your vulger vocabulary references in a story involving any small child should be a warning signal to any parent that something is not right. Continuously plastering a small child’s photo all over the internet where it is easy enough to track you down is endangering the child’s safety. I hope her parent(s) wake up before it is too late.

    • Hello. I am a writer, but anyone who has read my work knows I’m not a literary writer. Plus, this is a blog, not a book, so my posts here certainly aren’t literature or literary. Please note that “are you shitting me” was said in my head and not spoken aloud to Hanley. If I’m going to use curse words in front of the child they’ll be far stronger and more literary than “are you shitting me.” Rest assured that Hanley’s parents–plural, yes. The fact that you were unsure about that should’ve been your first clue that you were poking your nose where it didn’t belong–know that I write about and post pictures of their child and enjoy it. By the way, plaster hasn’t used to affix photos to Internet pages since Al Gore invented the photo tag in the 1990s. Get with it, gramps!

    • Becky says:

      I’m curious about Michael trolling the Internet looking for anecdotes about and photos of children he doesn’t know. Perhaps he got through the 15.2 million google results for “mommy blogger” and 28.4 million for “daddy blogger” (even here–inequity!) and has moved on to “manny.”

  2. Laura says:

    I have an idea who wrote this Timothy. This is from Hanley’s mom — why don’t you man up and speak with the parent(s) directly if you have a problem, and stop harassing my friends.

  3. friend Cheryl says:

    I didn’t realize the trampoline had a GPS tracker on it. Cuz gosh darn it- I gotta get me one of those….

    Clearly, you’ve never met Tim- or you wouldn’t talk out of places that don’t see the sun.

    and by the way- it’s “talent”

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